Imitating Christ When You're Unforgiven - a new post by @ShelleyHendrix

"...(B)e imitators of God, as beloved children; 2and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma."

 Ephesians 5:1-2

One of the most difficult and painful experiences I've ever faced - and have had to learn to live with - is when I've wronged someone, acknowledged it to them, asked (begged!) for forgiveness and yet didn't receive it. Relationships can be so tricky, can't they? 

Some of the BEST teaching on forgiveness that I've ever heard comes from my mentors at TrueFaced who have taught me that repentance and forgiveness are not means of fixing my behavior, but grace gifts to help heal my relationships. I love that! But what happens when you've repented and yet haven't received forgiveness? What do you do when the offended one becomes an offender by refusing to forgive?

There's only one solution: offer forgiveness for their lack of forgiveness. For me, it has meant that I:

- choose to receive the forgiveness of my Heavenly Father regardless of whether the other person(s) forgives me or not;

- walk in freedom to live my life as I give the other person(s) space and grace to live theirs;

- acknowledge any continued hurts to God and intentionally pray for the person withholding forgiveness.

We, as children of God, can trust that we are beloved by God, and imitate our Savior who modeled perfectly for us what it looks like to love others who may not love us back. Most people are doing the best they can, so if they're withholding forgiveness, it's possible that it's because they don't yet understand the power and freedom forgiveness offers them. 

"Walk in love," my friends. 

Because of Grace, You Always Have a Place - a new post by @ShelleyHendrix

23 Let us seize and hold tightly the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is reliable and trustworthy and faithful [to His word]; 24 and let us consider [thoughtfully] how we may encourage one another to love and to do good deeds, 25 not forsaking our meeting together [as believers for worship and instruction], as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more [faithfully] as you see the day [of Christ’s return] approaching. - Hebrews 10:19-25

In an earlier post, I wrote about the previous verses in this passage and on the universal need to have a place to belong. I love how my pastor here in my new hometown identified this feeling of belonging using the word "snick," which he described as the sound two parts make when the connect because they fit. Think of the sound your seatbelt makes when the two parts are connected or the sound your headset jack makes when inserted into its complementary part. We all want to know we have a place to belong. Because of God's grace, we can boldly approach His throne (i.e. His presence) because His grace (unconditional love, unrelenting favor and completed transaction to make any obstacle between us void), we always have a place with Him.

I shared a story from my own grace journey at Church 4 Chicks' last AWAKEN Conference in 2014. (By the way, it's coming back this fall!! Mark your calendars now for the AWAKEN retreat October 7-9 on St. Simons Island, GA! Subscribe to our weekly email updates to get the most up to date info as it becomes available: text Church4Chicks to 22828 to subscribe.) A friend on our team asked if I'd share that story again, and I'm happy to do that here. 

Karen Cone (one of our team members here on the blog) gave me the little chair pictured above. It was back in 2008 when I was transitioning from one area of ministry into forming Church 4 Chicks. Because we were part of a small group of women in ministry and had tested out these principles we teach at C4C on creating and cultivating environments of grace - communities of believers where we can truly be known and know others - where we can tell the worst thing about us and be loved more in the telling of it, rather than less - we had become quite close. We formed trusted, sacred friendships and we were growing spiritually and emotionally more than we had every been able to in the past (where rigid rules and performance-driven religion was our basic understanding of how to relate to God and with others).

Karen gave me this chair as a symbol to remind me that I always have a place at the King's table*. Karen knew that much of my own wounding came from the feeling that if I wasn't connected to the "right" people, or if I didn't have the "right" person's or "right" group's approval, I didn't get to come to the party. It was as though I believed I had to be invited by the influential to get to be close to God. 

Now, had I been asked about this belief back in my performance-driven, "Here am I, send me" days of religion-oriented understanding of Christianity, I could never have been able to communicate this. I was so lacking in self-awareness that I didn't know I was living out of this belief. I was just doing my best to please God with my short life and never felt like I was doing enough on my own to merit a close relationship with Him all by myself.

I had a lot of "truth" or head knowledge of Scripture and a very short supply of heart-felt belief. 

I learned so much through the training I received and then had the opportunity to test the truths in the context of safe relationships. Because of this, I was ready and able to receive this gift from Karen and embrace its message:

Because of Grace, I, Shelley, always have a Place. 

Do you see how this experience validates the teaching in Hebrews? As believers, we chose not to isolate or keep people at a safe arm's length distance relationally; but to engage regularly with one another for the purpose of learning together and practicing what we were learning. As we cultivated this environment of grace and truth, we were stirring up the love and the gifts already deposited in us by the Father. 

No one needs to be coerced into obedience or faithfulness. Cultivating the environment of grace and inviting people to be fully themselves affords each person to mature into the destiny God had in mind as He created them (us) in the womb -- actually, from the beginning of time and eternity! 

We truly have been designed with relationship in mind! 

For Reflection: How are you doing in the area of "gathering together" for the purpose of instruction and relationship?

Take a look at the passage above again. Do you see the words Faith, Hope and Love? How do these tie together in the context of meeting together and cultivating community?

*Read 2 Samuel 9

Integrity vs Duplicity - a new post by @ShelleyHendrix

"The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity."

Proverbs 11:3 NIV

In a recent conversation with a close friend, we were discussing the frustration when someone does something wrong towards us and then gets upset with us for calling them on it. It's even worse, she said, when the person has benefitted from your honest behavior in the past, but now wants to punish you for doing the right thing.

As I said the following sentence, we both chuckled as my friend said, "Now that needs to be crocheted on a pillow or something!" I have no sewing abilities. I tried to sew a pair of pants for my daughter when she was only a few months old. When I wasn't enjoying the process of choosing a pattern or dealing with thread, I almost quit. But then when the finished product revealed that one leg was two inches longer than the other, I knew to quit! I write. So instead of a pillow, I chose to place it here:

People without integrity appreciate people with integrity 

until that integrity bumps into their lack of integrity.

Isn't it amazing that that happens? One of the most frustrating experiences for me in relationship is when a person knowingly does something wrong towards me with the expectation that I will still do the right thing by them. As I've been on my own journey with my Heavenly Father through study, reflection, community and stillness, I've realized the value and necessity of setting appropriate boundaries - and not just for my own personal sake, but for the sake of the one(s) who - in their immaturity, ignorance or downright mean spiritedness - hurt me with a sense of entitlement to a free pass from me despite their behavior towards me.

The Proverb above gives us great insight into the value of integrity, which involves the proper use of healthy boundaries. There's a reason God gave us the ability to use our voices to communicate to others in relationship. Notice that this proverb doesn't say that "the unfaithful" are destroyed by the "integrity of the uprightness." You having integrity, living uprightly, being a person of honesty in no way inflicts harm on the "unfaithful" person. Your integrity is in your camp and it protects you.

The unfaithful are destroyed how? By their own duplicity. Duplicity means, "deceitfulness in speech or conduct, as by speaking or acting in two different ways to different people concerning the same matter" They're destroyed by their own choice to live this way and relate to others this way.

When setting boundaries with a loved one who has proven to be duplicitous, remember that they may not enjoy the experience when their duplicity bumps into your integrity; but also know that your integrity (you) didn't hurt them. They're destroyed by the consequences of their own personal choices.

What breaks your heart? - by @ShelleyHendrix

Another new year is upon us and folks are making (and breaking) their resolutions, choosing their "one word" focus for the year (what's yours?), getting sore from working out for the first time in a while,  and trying to remember to write 2016 instead of 2015. (I'll probably get this one write sometime in April.)

As we all enter into this new year, and new season of our lives, I wanted to share a little something I wrote a few months back, but one that bears repeating.

Andy Stanley, in his teaching series entitled "Re:Solution" asked a powerful question when he asked, "What breaks your heart?"

The point of the question is this: You were designed by your Heavenly Father who has given you unique gifts, talents, experiences, etc. and when He did, He also designed you for the purpose He placed you here at this time in history to fulfill. (Sounds kind of like this book, On Purpose For a Purpose which you may have heard of. #ShamelessPlug)

What breaks your heart is tied directly to your calling.

Does human trafficking and slavery break your heart the most?

Does social injustice break your heart the most?

Does seeing children struggling in poverty break your heart the most?

Does the decline of healthy marriages and families break your heart the most?

Does domestic violence break your heart the most?

Does lack of medical care to those most in need break your heart?

Obviously, these are all tough, tough issues in our world today, and our hearts break with each one. We know that none of us can do everything. We also know that all of us can do something. So, what is it that breaks your heart the most? Perhaps it is something not even listed above.

As Andy asked this question, and as I considered the past decade of my life in full-time ministry, it became so clear to me that what breaks my heart the most is ...

Seeing people remain in shackles that keep them from the abundant life Jesus came to offer. This enslavement shows up in the the following ways:

People striving so hard to experience freedom through their self effort to please God..

Husbands and wives trying so hard to make marriage work in their own power...

Parents living with shame and guilt over what their children choose...

Children grasping to find acceptance from parents who never can never be pleased...

Family members estranged from one another over past offenses...

Pastors or other Christian leaders using shame and guilt to motivate change from those sitting in their services, reading their books, or attending their conferences...

Men, women, adolescents and even children in bondage to addictive behaviors, substances or acts.

When it all comes down to it, I realize what breaks my heart the most is seeing people live with the heavy shackles of legalism disguised as "Sold-Out" New Testament Christianity. That's what breaks my heart.

But what gives me HOPE in the heartbreak is the awareness that through Christ in Shelley, I can be a carrier of light and life into the world. I can be a voice of grace and truth to my generation. I can be a teachable student on a journey who invites others to join me.

Being self-aware enough to know what breaks our hearts can help us when we're trying to determine our next step, our next move, our next project, or perhaps the next blog post. 

Becoming aware of what truly breaks our hearts can also lead us to the hope we can offer others whose hearts are broken as they live through the experiences that break yours. 

I encourage you to take some time to reflect on this question and articulate what breaks your heart the most, but don't stop there! Once you've written these down, consider the hope you can now offer through your life - vocationally and relationally - to those who need you and are waiting for you to show up in their lives.

This post is also featured here and is used in both places with permission.

Walking Blindly, Trusting Completely - A Guest Post by Brianne Rask

What a delight it is for me to share with you a story my sister sent to me recently. I was so excited that she gave me permission to share it with you here. (I love how God used our everyday lives to speak into our souls, don't you?)

I had to take Mattie, my 12 year old daughter, for a home school test today. When we got there, she helped get Phoebe (3 ½ years old) out of the car. There was a really sweet exchange between them: Phoebe had sun in her eyes. She walked a few steps toward the street. Eyes closed. With her hand in the air. Trusting that her big sister would grab that little hand and guide her across the street. And sure enough, her big sister came through and got her safely across the parking lot.

God spoke to me in that moment, I really feel like He did. That's how we should trust Him. We can blindly walk into what may seem to be danger, with our hands to heaven, knowing He will take our hand and guide us through it. ~ Brianne Rask

This made me think of the promise Jesus left His followers (including us) when He said that the Holy Spirit would be our guide (See John 16:13). We don't have to go it alone - in fact, we can't even if we want to! Our God is always with us. But our experience with Him will be determined by our trust in Him. 

I pray that we will choose, like sweet little Phoebe, to raise our hand -even if our eyes are closed to what's ahead- and trust that our Heavenly Father walks beside us and that His Spirit within us will guide us.

Meet Brianne Rask (my sister!)

Raskal & Bri play electronic music of all hues and colors, bringing it to rooms large and small across Atlanta and beyond. 

From their home base in Atlanta, Raskal & Bri are becoming preeminent players in creating a more dynamic ATL underground music scene.  They have shared the stage with many diverese Artists, like Dave Seaman, John 00’ Flemming, Keys & Krates, Victor Niglio and Judge Jules. This is the time though to start really pouring into the Atlanta Scene and Raskal & Bri are up for the Challenge. 

Having been a part of the music scene since the 90’s only to recently find their way back, they have a desire to spread the positivity deeply embedded in the music.

And did we mention they are one of the few Married DJ couples that exist in Dance Music today? Also having 5 kids, they bring the feeling of Family to each one of their fans. We all need each other. Raskal & Bri are working tirelessly to bring quality, cutting-edge dance music to Atlanta’s clubbers, both through their own music, and any event they are partnering with. Their passion for the electronic music and people in the culture permeates every project they take on and every set they play. Always looking to expand the minds of their fans through their love for them, the music, and each other.

Please join us at Church 4 Chicks in praying for Brianne and Ronnie Rask - AKA Raskal & Bri - as they take the light of the Gospel to others through their music these opening doors in Atlanta and beyond!

Friends or Acquaintances? - a new post by @ShelleyHendrix

A friend loves at all times, and is born, as is a brother, for adversity.

Proverbs 17:17 Amplified

I wrote Why Can't We Just Get Along? in 2012 and it was published in 2013; but long before there was a book, there was my own journey of navigating relationships and the challenges they inevitably bring. It was in the struggles of difficult relationships, that the teaching, now contained in the book, was born and practiced as I sought God's help to be a friend who had friends. Since that time, and since I've spoken on this topic so much as a result of what I learned and found to help ME find and cultivate peace, I've also begun adding some newer life lessons to that teaching. 

I'll share one of these with you today:

Sometimes we get upset with folks for not being "true friends" when in reality they're just being true to what they actually are - kind acquaintances. 

I've lost count of how many people have gotten their feelings hurt (myself included) when someone used their freedom to say, "no" to a favor or request that was asked of them. Oftentimes, in the name of "Christian love," we have a really difficult time saying "no" when we really should.

As we grow in maturity, one of the gifts we begin to receive and give, is what we tried to communicate in our earliest years: the power of saying NO. We're all given a limited number of yes's we can give in any day or season of life. We can't give all of them to acquaintances leaving nothing for our true friends or families. (As my team at Church 4 Chicks has heard me say, I'd rather get a firm no than a wishy-washy yes any day.)

A true friend is a priceless gift. A kind acquaintance is also a gift. But these friendships are not meant to serve in the same way in our lives. Allowing people the freedom to be who they are and what they are gives us freedom to enjoy our relationships for what they are without unrealistic expectations messing things up for all involved.

Maybe that person was not rejecting you or abandoning you. Perhaps she was a kind acquaintance who needed to save her "yes" for someone closer to her. This doesn't make you unimportant, nor does it mean your needs are unimportant - but it might mean you're looking to the wrong source to have those needs or desires met.

Is there someone you've been expecting more from than you should?

How might you better enjoy your relationship with this person by accepting that maybe he/she is a kind acquaintance and not a "true" friend?

Shelley Hendrix is the founder of Church 4 Chicks and the brand new Heart Smart- Counseling, Coaching and Consulting practice with her best friend and husband, Stephen Hendrix. 

You can find Shelley's website, social media links and more at www.ShelleyHendrix.com but you'll typically find her sipping coffee, taking pics of sunrises and sunsets in her new coastal hometown or wrestling with her crazy Beaglador named Annie.

When Mother's Day is Hard - A Special Saturday Edition by @ShelleyHendrix

It's Mother's Day weekend here in the US. For many moms, this is a sweet time to be remembered, honored and celebrated for our role in our children's lives. Some of us may get to be pampered with lunches, appointments at the salon, or simply by hand-written notes from the ones who call us "Mom." 

I remember a major faux pas my own mother shared of her first Mother's Day in 1970 when my dad didn't get her anything and was perplexed that she had anticipated at least a little something from him, only to receive his confused response, "But you aren't my mother." Oh Dad.... (He learned!)

For many mothers, though, this is a bittersweet holiday at the least and a heart-breaking one at the most. Some mothers have children whom they have given their all for only to be rejected and abandoned by these bits of their own hearts walking outside of their bodies. Some mothers receive their special phone call from a son or daughter in prison. Some moms won't hear from their child(ren) at all this weekend. Others are walking the tight rope of letting go of a child in their wandering while learning in a fresh, new way what it looks like to hold onto their Heavenly Father's hand in the dark, challenging balance of a hard season.

Being a mother isn't easy, is it? Even when our children are "rising up and calling us Blessed," there are challenges. From the moment our children are born, we are in the process of learning what it means to let go. Some of us learn how to do this by watching moms who do this well. Others of us learn how to do this from observing how others never let go of the illusion of control - and how it negatively impacted everyone involved. And we didn't want to be the mom who got it wrong. 

Some of us, like me, are still learning what this means, how it looks in the lives of each of our individual children, and how to hold on tighter to the Father's hand, while entrusting Him to never let go of the hands and hearts of our beloved child(ren). 

If this Mother's Day season has been bittersweet or down right awful, I pray that my words might encourage your spirit - even if only a little bit:

God sees. God Knows. God Cares. And God IS working!

He sees your broken heart. He sees your tears. He sees your child - wherever (s)he may be. And, just as you and I cannot escape His watchful eye or His presence in our lives, neither can our child(ren). 

He knows how hard you've worked to be the mom you wanted your child to have. He knows the mistakes and how you struggle with guilt and regret over things you can't change. He knows the sacrifices you have made. He knows the hopes you now see dashed. He knows. He knew then, and He knows now. And He Cares.

He cares about the confusion you feel and the fear you feel and the anger you wish you could avoid as you learn to let go of control and learn to rest in His grace while He works in the heart of your child...and in your heart, too. He doesn't just care about you and your child(ren), He is presently - right now - caring for you; and that's a big difference!

He is working, sweet mother. He is working redemption, restoration, reconciliation, and reunion - maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe years from now. But, His timing is perfect; He can and will carry you through this as you grant Him permission to be your All-in-All. 

My prayer for anyone who happens upon this post is that the grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will well up inside of you in fresh and felt ways. I pray that your eyes would be opened to the truth that you are loved and accepted as the mother God chose for your child. I pray that God would draw you closer and closer to Him regardless of how far your child might wander from you. I pray that God would release you from the grip of shame that says you failed, you messed up or that you are a "less than" mom because of your child's choices. May the truth of the Gospel set your heart free to embrace the beauty around you, to enjoy the sweet things in life like friendship, fresh air, a good book, time with your spouse, a walk with your dog, etc and that you would be embraced by His grace for YOU. 

Mother's Day isn't a day to reflect on our kids' behavior - it's a day to celebrate that God chose us, imperfect women, to be a part of the story He is writing in the lives of these imperfect people He dearly loves.

Be encouraged, moms. Your Heavenly Father delights in YOU!

Juggling vs Balancing ~ by @ShelleyHendrix

"Don’t ever worry and say, ‘What are we going to eat?’ or ‘What are we going to drink?’ or ‘What are we going to wear?’ Everyone is concerned about these things, and your Heavenly Father certainly knows you need all of them. But first, be concerned about his kingdom and what has his approval. Then all these things will be provided for you.”   Matthew 6:32-33

I tend to be a bit of a workaholic. (But I’m working on it!) I have had this tendency for as long as I can remember. I have a hard time just being still without doing something. In fact, if the dishwasher and/or washing machine aren’t going while I’m writing, I feel like I’m wasting valuable time and energy. I can multi-task with the best of them. 

God showed me several years ago that I tend to be a juggler. I tend to have so many things going at one time that I spend a lot of energy just keeping things from falling to the ground and possibly falling apart. Most of the time, this is not a problem—I have a lot of energy and I like to stay busy, so I can usually do this without any problems. The problem, though, is that I cannot do this for very long. And there is a good reason for this. God did not create me—or you for that matter—to live our lives as jugglers! 

When I juggle life’s responsibilities, I can never really tell when something has been thrown my way that is not even my responsibility to keep in the air. In order to keep everything I already have in the air, I have to accept that new item or responsibility as well. Most of the time, because of the nature of juggling, I do not even get a good look at what the new thing is! Instead, God wants me to learn how to live a life of balance. 

Picture a legal scale where each tray is even with the other. Some folks will tell you that balance is not even possible so “why try?” I agree and I disagree. Since I am the one writing, I will tell you why. I agree that perfect balance is rarely, if ever, possible. Life tends to throw unexpected and seemingly random circumstances our way. Life is unpredictable. People do not always respect our desire—nay quest—for balance. So, for this reason, I agree that balance is not necessarily possible. At least not in perfect proportion. 

But I also disagree that we should not even set out to have a balanced life. Imagine how sloppy and hard to read this page would be if there were no margins on it. How wide are the margins in your life? 

When I try to handle life’s responsibilities as a juggler, I tend to make decisions in haste, rather than taking the time to really weigh out what choice to make. 

When I live life as a juggler, most of my closest relationships are with people who never get to see my eyes—meaning they do not get the benefit of my full, undivided attention. 

When I live my life as a juggler, I never know that what I am spending all of my attention and energy on is what my Heavenly Father has called and equipped me to do in the first place. 

Ah, but when I become intentional to cultivate and sustain a balanced life, I will know pretty quickly when something comes my way that I am not responsible to handle—at least on my own. When the scale tips too heavily in one direction, I am automatically alerted that something is not quite right. Choosing to seek God’s Kingdom and what pleases Him helps me to cultivate balance because it enables me to trust Him to take care of those things that are outside of my margins—my control, my responsibility. 

Do you tend to juggle life’s responsibilities or have you found the secret to cultivating a balanced life? 

What is your Heavenly Father saying to you today as you read and consider today’s Scripture and devotion?