4 Lies Women Tell Themselves

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Four Lies Women Tell Themselves

ByLucille Zimmerman

Lie #1: It’s selfish to put yourself on the list.  Self-care is not selfish. Self-care is about taking control of your own health and happiness. By being in control you stay healthy and put yourself in charge of making sure you have a good quality of life. Taking good care of yourself means the people in your life receive the best of you rather than what is left of you. When Jesus told people to love their neighbor as themselves, he was presupposing that people would love themselves. If we don’t love ourselves, we are violating that commandment just the same as when we don’t love others. Alternately, if we only care for ourselves without caring for others, that would be selfish. But loving ourselves is good and godly.

Lie #2: It’s unchristian to set boundaries.  I used to think people who had clear boundaries were mean and nasty, and people who accommodated everybody else's whim were Godly. People with healthy boundaries have developed an identity separate and distinct from others. Their lives have a nice balance; they are connected with people, not enmeshed with them. Imagine a picket fence with a gate: You get to decide who you want to come into your life and how far they come in. For instance, you may want to crack open the gate by limiting someone to a ten-minute phone call instead of inviting her over to your house. There may be a family member you want to honor, but his or her behaviors may be so toxic you must limit the relationship to a birthday card. Boundaries are flexible, so they can change. The most important thing to understand is that you are the gatekeeper controlling your life and space.

Lie #3: You can’t show people your flaws; you must be perfect. When I studied group counseling, I learned a really interesting concept: If there is a group of people, and one person decides to take a risk in sharing a vulnerable piece of her story, she instantly becomes the most popular member of the group. Why? It’s a concept called “universality”: Every person in a group has traits or experiences or flaws or past mistakes that he or she wants to hide. When we see another take a bold risk and be accepted, we wish we had the guts to be that authentic. Of course, this concept could be taken to an extreme. It would not be prudent for a member to go into a group and reveal everything too quickly without getting to know the others. But a gentle unveiling of a vulnerable truth by one brave soul can offer the ripple effect of relief and acceptance to others.

Lie #4: You must stick every person’s opinion of you on yourself. In situations where someone reacts negatively towards me, I’ve learned to ask the question, “What is the person telling you about himself?” All of our actions and words are a reflection of our past experiences. They are evidence of the lens through which we see the world. When people blow up or overreact, it usually isn’t about what we did wrong or about how bad that person is hurting or about what dots they are connecting from their own histories. The more we back off and see a bigger picture, the more we stop allowing others to direct our lives.

Lucille Zimmerman’s book, Renewed: Finding Your Inner Happy in an Overwhelmed World releases TODAY< March 1^st.
Connect with Lucille on her website 
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www.lucillezimmerman.com