Integrity vs Duplicity - a new post by @ShelleyHendrix

"The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity."

Proverbs 11:3 NIV

In a recent conversation with a close friend, we were discussing the frustration when someone does something wrong towards us and then gets upset with us for calling them on it. It's even worse, she said, when the person has benefitted from your honest behavior in the past, but now wants to punish you for doing the right thing.

As I said the following sentence, we both chuckled as my friend said, "Now that needs to be crocheted on a pillow or something!" I have no sewing abilities. I tried to sew a pair of pants for my daughter when she was only a few months old. When I wasn't enjoying the process of choosing a pattern or dealing with thread, I almost quit. But then when the finished product revealed that one leg was two inches longer than the other, I knew to quit! I write. So instead of a pillow, I chose to place it here:

People without integrity appreciate people with integrity 

until that integrity bumps into their lack of integrity.

Isn't it amazing that that happens? One of the most frustrating experiences for me in relationship is when a person knowingly does something wrong towards me with the expectation that I will still do the right thing by them. As I've been on my own journey with my Heavenly Father through study, reflection, community and stillness, I've realized the value and necessity of setting appropriate boundaries - and not just for my own personal sake, but for the sake of the one(s) who - in their immaturity, ignorance or downright mean spiritedness - hurt me with a sense of entitlement to a free pass from me despite their behavior towards me.

The Proverb above gives us great insight into the value of integrity, which involves the proper use of healthy boundaries. There's a reason God gave us the ability to use our voices to communicate to others in relationship. Notice that this proverb doesn't say that "the unfaithful" are destroyed by the "integrity of the uprightness." You having integrity, living uprightly, being a person of honesty in no way inflicts harm on the "unfaithful" person. Your integrity is in your camp and it protects you.

The unfaithful are destroyed how? By their own duplicity. Duplicity means, "deceitfulness in speech or conduct, as by speaking or acting in two different ways to different people concerning the same matter" They're destroyed by their own choice to live this way and relate to others this way.

When setting boundaries with a loved one who has proven to be duplicitous, remember that they may not enjoy the experience when their duplicity bumps into your integrity; but also know that your integrity (you) didn't hurt them. They're destroyed by the consequences of their own personal choices.

Friends or Acquaintances? - a new post by @ShelleyHendrix

A friend loves at all times, and is born, as is a brother, for adversity.

Proverbs 17:17 Amplified

I wrote Why Can't We Just Get Along? in 2012 and it was published in 2013; but long before there was a book, there was my own journey of navigating relationships and the challenges they inevitably bring. It was in the struggles of difficult relationships, that the teaching, now contained in the book, was born and practiced as I sought God's help to be a friend who had friends. Since that time, and since I've spoken on this topic so much as a result of what I learned and found to help ME find and cultivate peace, I've also begun adding some newer life lessons to that teaching. 

I'll share one of these with you today:

Sometimes we get upset with folks for not being "true friends" when in reality they're just being true to what they actually are - kind acquaintances. 

I've lost count of how many people have gotten their feelings hurt (myself included) when someone used their freedom to say, "no" to a favor or request that was asked of them. Oftentimes, in the name of "Christian love," we have a really difficult time saying "no" when we really should.

As we grow in maturity, one of the gifts we begin to receive and give, is what we tried to communicate in our earliest years: the power of saying NO. We're all given a limited number of yes's we can give in any day or season of life. We can't give all of them to acquaintances leaving nothing for our true friends or families. (As my team at Church 4 Chicks has heard me say, I'd rather get a firm no than a wishy-washy yes any day.)

A true friend is a priceless gift. A kind acquaintance is also a gift. But these friendships are not meant to serve in the same way in our lives. Allowing people the freedom to be who they are and what they are gives us freedom to enjoy our relationships for what they are without unrealistic expectations messing things up for all involved.

Maybe that person was not rejecting you or abandoning you. Perhaps she was a kind acquaintance who needed to save her "yes" for someone closer to her. This doesn't make you unimportant, nor does it mean your needs are unimportant - but it might mean you're looking to the wrong source to have those needs or desires met.

Is there someone you've been expecting more from than you should?

How might you better enjoy your relationship with this person by accepting that maybe he/she is a kind acquaintance and not a "true" friend?

Shelley Hendrix is the founder of Church 4 Chicks and the brand new Heart Smart- Counseling, Coaching and Consulting practice with her best friend and husband, Stephen Hendrix. 

You can find Shelley's website, social media links and more at www.ShelleyHendrix.com but you'll typically find her sipping coffee, taking pics of sunrises and sunsets in her new coastal hometown or wrestling with her crazy Beaglador named Annie.

Practicing Good Boundaries by: @lori_kennedy

photo credit: www.triradar.com/training-advice/running-technique-look-good-go-faster

“Little children, make sure no one deceives you. The person who practices righteousness is righteous, in the same way that Jesus is righteous.” 1 John 3:7 (CEB)

We all know that if you want to run a marathon, you can’t just jump off the couch and head to the race without training.  If you want to play an instrument, you will need some instruction and training.  Anything you want to get good at, you must practice. Sometimes that can be painful and hard work.  The same goes with creating healthy boundaries. 

The book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Zondervan, 3/1/2002 states that boundary injured individuals are slaves who struggle to make value-based decisions on their own.  They tend to reflect the wishes of those around them and find it difficult to set limits.  It also says that as you begin to implement and practice healthy boundaries in your life, expect to feel some guilt as this is new territory for you.  It goes on to say that you should rejoice in the guilty feelings as they are proof you are heading in the right direction.

I had just read this portion of the book when I received a call from someone I was supposed to meet with several others in less than an hour.  She wanted to reschedule but was imperative to the meeting.  Without her, there was not a need for the meeting.  I didn’t even have everyone’s number to call who was meeting with us and I knew some were already on their way to the site.  She didn’t say she couldn’t meet, she just said that she would rather reschedule.  It was so against my grain to tell her no.  It would be a challenge to reschedule since we were so close to the starting time of our event.  I knew that saying yes would mean I would be the one to take the time and effort to plan a new time while taking several very busy calendars into consideration.  After I hung up the phone, my people pleasing instinct kicked in, I worried she wasn’t going to like me anymore, and I felt like the meanest person on earth for saying no.

While we were meeting, there were several encouragements that were laid out for this person to hear by others at the table.  None were planned and all were God-prompted.  What I realized during our exchange that day was that she was going through something and God had planned in advance that she would be in that place at that time in order for life to be spoken into her heart.  Satan was trying to ensure that she would not come so that she would not be encouraged that day.  Although I never knew the specifics of what she was going through, I left that encounter knowing that my obedience to setting a healthy boundary that day had allowed God’s plan to encourage her thwart the enemy’s plan to allow her to sit in her pit.  As I thought back over what I had recently read in my Boundaries book, I rejoiced in the guilty feelings which had almost allowed me to give in adding more tasks to my “to do” list for later.  I was beginning to practice healthy boundaries and was blessed that God had honored it that day.

What in your life do you need to practice at in order to get better at?

Do you see a place in your life where your boundaries could use some work in order to get healthier?

Christian vocalist and speaker Lori Kennedy believes in sharing the gifts and talents in which Christ has blessed her.  Authenticity, transparency, and vulnerability are imperative to touching hearts for the Lord.  As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse from those in authority over her outside of her family of origin, Lori has had to overcome much to fulfill the destiny that God created just for her! 

You can find out more about Lori and her ministry, Alpha Omega Ministries, at her website www.lorikennedy.com.

"Letting in the Good ~ Keeping Out the Bad" by Lori Kennedy @lori_kennedy

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

According to the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend (Zondervan, 3/1/2002), boundaries define us.  They help us to understand the invisible property lines that state where we begin and someone else ends, what is our responsibility and what is not.  We are called to be responsible to others, but not for others.  We are called to be responsible for ourselves.  Boundaries can be related to fences with gates.  The fence is our protection that we keep around us at all times.  However, we may want to open and close our gates from time to time.  In a perfect world, we open the gate to let in the good and close the gate to keep out the bad.

Because it’s not a perfect world, we tend to have boundary problems.  There are several ways that these boundary problems manifest themselves.  First, there are complainants, who say "yes" to the bad and open their gates when they should not.  Then, there are avoidants, who say "no" to the good and don’t open their gates when they should.  There are controllers, who do not respect other people’s boundaries.  Finally, there are nonresponsives, who do not hear the needs of others.  You may recognize yourself in one or more of these categories.  I know I do.  Every relationship in my life is different, and I find that, although I have a greater tendency in one area, I have relationships in my life in which I might wear another hat.

The number one common boundary myth that many believe is that, if they set boundaries, they are being selfish.  They falsely believe that this goes against the church’s teaching that we are to love others.  In reality, setting good boundaries is more about stewardship than selfishness.  God has called to be good stewards of our lives and our hearts.  Jesus demonstrated good boundaries all the time.  A great example is when he went alone to be with His Father in prayer.  Boundaries (Zondervan, 3/1/2002) says, “Appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others.”

I have found that I have believed the myth (lie) that boundaries are selfish, and I have allowed my gates to be open and closed at the wrong times, thinking I was operating in the name of love – in the name of Christ!  I recently ran across this quote from the book The Emotionally Healthy Woman: Eight things You have to Quit to Change Your Life by Geri Scazzero (Harper Collins Publishing, 10/22/2013).  “Biblical quitting goes hand in hand with choosing. When we quit those things that are damaging to our souls or the souls of others [or when we open the gate to let the bad in – my words], we are freed up to choose other ways of being and relating that are rooted in love and lead to life [opening our gate to let the good in – my words]. For example, when we quit fearing what others think, we choose freedom.  Biblical quitting is God’s path for new things to come forth in our lives, for resurrection.”

God says our hearts are important and to protect them.  Ask Him if there is something that you need to biblically quit today in order to protect your heart, set good boundaries, and keep your gates open at the right times, letting in the good, and appropriately closed, keeping out the bad.

Can you think of a time when you have let in the bad or not let in the good?

How can you learn from your failure in order to make next time a better experience?

Do you see yourself as one of the four types of boundary busters?

Christian vocalist and speaker Lori Kennedy believes in sharing the gifts and talents in which Christ has blessed her.  Authenticity, transparency, and vulnerability are imperative to touching hearts for the Lord.  As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse from those in authority over her outside of her family of origin, Lori has had to overcome much to fulfill the destiny that God created just for her! 

You can find out more about Lori and her ministry, Alpha Omega Ministries, at her website www.lorikennedy.com