Thursday, November 14, 2013

"Do you Forgive or Excuse?" By Robbie Iobst with a #GiveAway!

Win a Copy of Robbie's newest book.
See below for details!
 

 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 
1 John 1:9

Forgiveness is difficult.  Excusing is easy. 

Excusing sounds like, “It’s no big deal.  No problem!  It’s okay.” 

Forgiveness sounds like, “That hurt me, but I forgive you.”

In our world, the two are often interchanged.  That worries me.  Accidentally bumping into someone or even forgetting to call back can be excused with, “It’s fine.”  When someone bumps into our heart, denting it, even a little, we need to forgive, not excuse.

My husband hurts my feelings.  He asks for forgiveness.  I tell him, “It’s fine.”  He answers, “No, it’s not fine to do that. Please forgive me.” 

I tell my husband I’m sorry I was late, but the traffic was horrible.  I’m asking for forgiveness, but subtly I’m saying it wasn’t my fault.  I don’t need forgiveness; I need to have my excuse accepted.

Now, I know this may be a matter of semantics for many folks, but this is a problem that we can correct in our own words and hearts, and ergo maybe make a difference in someone else’s life, who may in turn change their words.

It matters.  It matters because our hearts need to be validated and valued in a world where dealing with conflict is done on TV reality shows but not in our own lives.  Dealing with conflict and hurt is a sure way to guard our hearts.  We must tend our hearts as if they were precious and precarious, which they are.

Here are some simple ways to do this.
  1. Teach your children to say, “I’m sorry.  Forgive me for …”  Naming what they did wrong points out to them specific behavior, and it validates the heart of the person hurt. 
  2. In friendship, instead of saying, “I’m sorry that I…” say, “Please forgive me for…”  Again, it names your behavior, and it validates your friend’s heart.
  3. Learn to distinguish between excusing and forgiving, and take responsibility for each.
  4. In your family, make it a practice to not use excusing terms (It’s fine, no problem, forget about it,) for one month to bring attention to how we excuse behavior.
  5. Ask God to help you see the subtle difference between excusing and forgiving and how our culture is downplaying forgiveness.
In my new novel, Cecilia Jackson’s Last Chance, three women reunite after twenty-five years apart.  Ghosts of past behavior accompany them; forgiveness is needed between the three, but excusing it is a temptation.  “Oh, we were young and stupid,” would be easy, but forgiveness, unlike excusing, brings out the offenses, deals with them, and buries them.  When these three characters forgive, like when we forgive, it is easier to put away the offenses forever.  If they, or we, excuse behavior instead of offering full forgiveness, the offense will continue to pop up over and over. 

1 Corinthians 13: 9 says, “…Love keeps no record of wrongs.” The first step to burning the scorecard many of us carry around is to forgive, truly forgive, not excuse. 

From the author, Robbie Iobst:

I am an author and speaker with a desire to use words for Jesus.  I love to laugh and use humor to spread God’s love and to encourage others not to take life so seriously.  My heart is set on God’s pilgrimage for me, to become all He wants me to be. 

My husband and son are gifts from God.  I love good movies, great reads, and scrapbooking.  Getting published several times this past year has made me understand that God wants me to be USEFUL; I am doing my best.

Connect with Robbie at:
www.robbieiobst.com
robbieiobst.blogspot.com
https://www.facebook.com/authorRobbieIobst




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23 comments:

  1. My husband and I were just talking about this very thing yesterday - that we both tend to want to "explain" why something isn't really our fault, instead of just asking for forgiveness. Such a good word for these days, Robbie!

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    1. You're right Julie. Lack of taking responsibility is everywhere in our country and now it's even in the way we apologize. THANK YOU for your comment!

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  2. Robbie, this is great. I often feel that I excuse instead of forgive because I simply do not want to address the real issue. I hate confrontation and in my mind, forgiving requires confronting a situation. It's hard for me and excusing is an easy way out! I like your 30 day challenge and am going to work very hard on implementing it!

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    1. Thanks Mary. I find that if I say forgive me in the little things, it gets easier when there is a big conflict. It's like exercising a muscle, it gets easier in time. I hate conflict, too, and it takes such courage to talk about it. I'm with you.

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  3. That's beautiful Robbie, thanks for sharing! I think I excuse a lot... too much.

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    1. Thank you Danica. We all excuse too much. But we can reverse this trend! :)

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  4. Yes, I do tend to excuse people saying 'well hurt people hurt others" but I do ask for forgiveness for myself. great article..i hope i win your book as i want to read it!

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    1. Dear Anonymous, what an interesting observation - the hurt people hurt others. It's true but we can use it as an excuse, right? If you win or buy my book, I so hope you enjoy it. Thanks for your comment. :)

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  5. Stating what we are asking forgiveness for seems like a really important step which I didn't give much thought to before. It would clarify for both parties what they are thinking now and what they are feeling. There are times we should be excused. I think by excusing some people for too long, I became bitter about their actions when I finally held them responsible for themselves. Not good for any of us.

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    1. Wonderfully said, Lynn. I didn't think about what might happen to our hearts if we excuse someone for so long when we need to forgive. Great point.

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  6. Thanks for this! I think recognizing the difference between the 2 in my responses will help me to see when I need to forgive instead of excuse.

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    1. Faith, absolutely. It takes a conscious choice to stop and think about it but the rewards are worth it.

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  7. In our home, we never say "It's okay" when someone says they are sorry....We acknowledge what the other person is saying...then say "I forgive...." or we see if the "problem" needs some sorting out.....and why the problem began in the first place....
    When my feelings are hurt....I hardly ever tell the person I was hurt by them...Instead...I sit and stew about it....I could learn A LOT from you Robbie!

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    1. Thank you Kristi! This whole concept is something I've learned through my husband the last few years. I hate any type of conflict so I just want to gloss over everything, others' feelings and my own. I love that you do that in your family, Kristi. And you KNOW girl, I could learn a lot from you! :)

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  8. Thanks so much for your insight on this. I excuse more than forgive and I wish I would have taught this to my Son when he was young maybe it is not to late.

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    1. Oh it's never too late, Kelly. I just adopted this into my life a few years ago and now it's a wonderful habit that increases my awareness for others' feelings and my own. Thank you for commenting!

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  9. Robbie Iobst, your words are precise and I love that about your writing. Sure Christmas presents for the women in my life!

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    1. Thank you Terri. Words can bless and teach and encourage and your kind words have lifted me up. THANK YOU!

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  10. Robbie, I hadn't really considered the way we answer issues that should require forgiveness, but we (ok I) just brush it off, because mostly I don't want to deal with the drama! I do have a situation I am dealing with now in which I did feel that forgiveness and a serious discussion should have happened, but I didn't. I was exhausted and over the "girl" drama and I just didn't want to deal with it, so I just kind of left it. I think I need to go back and re-address this... Thank you for giving me some knowledge on how to handle this. :)

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    1. Melinda, I know what you mean. It is extremely easy for me to ignore dealing with conflict when I am hurt or when I hurt someone else. I like the way you put it: Girl Drama. It is exhausting at times. But forgiveness, real forgiveness, heals our hearts like nothing else. Thank you for commenting, Melinda!

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  11. I am starting this right away with my kids too. Its amazing how we follow how our parents taught us automatically which continues the wrong way of forgiving. I really want my friends to know I am sorry. I like using the word "Forgive me for..." Thank you

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    1. Yay Lisa! We can make a difference in our world one phrase at a time. It matters. :)

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    2. Lisa, Congratulations! You won the free, signed copy of Robbie's book! Yay! Please email us at info@Church4Chicks.com with your mailing address so that we can get this off to you right away! Hope to stay connected with you here as well. #TGIF

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