Dinner in an Oasis by Lucille Zimmerman @LucilleZ

Photo by Lucille Zimmerman

Dinner in an Oasis 

ByLucille Zimmerman 

Are there people you would love to meet? People you especially admire and look up to? People that would make you lightheaded and giddy, especially if you were to sit down and have dinner together? 

I can think of several living and dead. People like Rich Mullins, Tyler Perry, Greta Van Susteren.  

The other day I was reading about Jesus when He was on His way to Jerusalem. He was nearing the end of His three year ministry. He was hot, dusty, and weary. 

He knew death was awaiting Him when he arrived. 

Crowds were closing in so thickly He could hardly walk. Pharisees were testing Him. Sick and lame people were begging Him for healing. 

They were near a town called Jericho, only 23 miles from Jerusalem. It’s the oldest city and it’s an oasis. 

I’ve been to Jericho twice. All around is desert, but Jericho sits among streams, waterfalls, and palm trees. It’s a lush, green respite in a desolate area.

Can you picture it? 

It was in this town that something remarkable happened. A short little thug named Zacchaeus ran ahead of the crowd and scrambled up a tree so that he could get a glimpse of Jesus.

You might be tempted to think of him as a “wee little man in a Sycamore tree,” but he was the worst of the worst. You see Rome exacted a tax from the Jews, and the Jewish countrymen who agreed to bilk money from their own people for Rome, also padded their own pockets. He was a thug! 

Zacchaeus must have been especially hated because he was the CHIEF tax collector. Think of someone like a drug lord, a pimp, or crime boss.

There are so many stunning things that happened there. As soon as Jesus arrived in the cool, wet oasis:

•     Jesus pointed up to the criminal in the tree and hollered, “Hey Zacchaeus, dinner’s at your house tonight!

•     Zaccheaus had heard so much about Jesus he stopped everything to get a gander. Apparently these stories about Jesus were more tantalizing to him than wealth.

•     Zaccheaus rushed home to get dinner ready. In his house, we read that he stood up and announced he would give half of his possessions to the poor and he would pay anything he had extorted from the people “four times over.” (Luke 19:8) In essence, by quoting the Torah (Exodus 22:1), he was saying, “Dude, I’m such a thief!” 

But that’s what Jesus does when you encounter Him. He makes you want to bow low, confess your junk, and be best friends. 

Want to hear something really cool? That winsome Jesus wants to have dinner at your house too! 

And there is nothing you have to do? You might not be as bad as Zacchaeus, but you’re no saint. 

The cool thing is you don’t have to be. 

It would be like Tyler, Rich, or Greta calling me up and saying, “Hey Lucille, we’re coming over.”

You don’t have to clean yourself or the house up. 

Just enjoy the company.

Lucille Zimmerman is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a private practice in Littleton, CO and an affiliate faculty professor at Colorado Christian University.

She is also the author of Renewed: Finding Your Inner Happy in an Overwhelmed World. Through practical ideas and relatable anecdotes, readers can better understand their strengths and their passions—and address some of the underlying struggles or hurts that make them want to keep busy or minister to others to the detriment of themselves. Renewed can help nurture those areas of women’s lives to use them better for work, family, and service. It gives readers permission to examine where they spend their energy and time, and learn to set limits and listen to “that inner voice."

Are You Hesed? by @LucilleZ

Photo by Lucille Zimmerman

Are You Hesed?

ByLucille Zimmerman 

There is a Hebrew word that appears 250 times in the Old Testament.

The word is hesed.

Hesed is translated by King James in 14 different ways (goodness, kindness, devotion, devout, faithfulness, good, kindly, loveliness, loving-kindness, loyal deeds, loyalty, mercies, righteousness, unchanging love).

Some people say the word is untranslatable.

In essence, Hesed is the unfailing, consistent, ever-faithful, relentless, constantly-pursuing, lavish, extravagant, unrestrained, furious love of our Father God. Hesed means love as God loves. It’s His promise to His people. It is grace extended when it was not deserved. It is based on God, not you.

What I find most fascinating about the word hesed (spelled “chesed”) is that linguistically it is linked to the Hebrew word for “stork.” The word for "stork" in Hebrew is "chasidah.” The "chasidah" means the "pious, faithful, or kindly bird" because of its loving-kindness and devotion to its young. The stork was considered to be the best mother of all the animals.

Do you know there is a love that follows you and will not let you go? Like a loving mamma stork caring for her young, God cares for you.

“Surely goodness and mercy (hesed) shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.”-Psalm 23:6

Lucille Zimmerman is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a private practice in Littleton, CO and an affiliate faculty professor at Colorado Christian University.  

She is also the author of Renewed: Finding Your Inner Happy in an Overwhelmed World. Through practical ideas and relatable anecdotes, readers can better understand their strengths and their passions—and address some of the underlying struggles or hurts that make them want to keep busy or minister to others to the detriment of themselves. Renewed can help nurture those areas of women’s lives to use them better for work, family, and service. It gives readers permission to examine where they spend their energy and time, and learn to set limits and listen to “that inner voice."

Q and A from friend Me? Conference 3/16/2013

Someone at the Friend Me? Conference asked the counseling panel this question: 

"My brother asked me to lie to a friend. If he is a believer, why ask me to lie?" 

I think there may be two parts to your question: 

1.  If my brother is a believer, why does he sin and want me to sin? 

Just because your brother is a Christian, it doesn't mean he is perfect. 

Before we were Christians we were spring-loaded to the sin position. It was impossible not to sin. Sure we could do “good” things, but our motives are probably self-centered. In 1 John 1: 8 "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us." Though we strive for perfection (Matthew 5:48) our old nature still exists. If you read Romans 7, you will see that Paul struggled with his sin nature, but he knew that one day he would be victorious.  

When we become believers we have the Holy Spirit living in us. For the first time we have the power not to sin. However, but are still human. Because of the Fall, we live in a broken world. We are still capable of ignoring the Holy Spirit's power.  

2. I think a second part of your question might be, “Is it okay to tell my brother I won’t lie for him?” 

Do you have a hard time standing up for yourself? Do you feel like he has more influence over you than he should? Do you feel like there will be a price to pay if you don't lie?  

If you struggle with these questions you might want to read the book, Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. Or you may want to see a counselor to help you work on these struggles.

Lucille Zimmerman is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a private practice in Littleton, CO and an affiliate faculty professor at Colorado Christian University. 

She is also the author of Renewed: Finding Your Inner Happy in an Overwhelmed World. Through practical ideas and relatable anecdotes, readers can better understand their strengths and their passions—and address some of the underlying struggles or hurts that make them want to keep busy or minister to others to the detriment of themselves. Renewed can help nurture those areas of women’s lives to use them better for work, family, and service. It gives readers permission to examine where they spend their energy and time, and learn to set limits and listen to “that inner voice."

 

 

Friends Who Cancel, Q and A From the friend Me? Conference 3.16.13

Photo by Amelia Grace Photography

Friends Who Cancel

ByLucille Zimmerman

“Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way…” 

Ephesians 4:15

Q. What is the best way to deal with a friend who constantly breaks her plans with you?

A. The best way is to have a gentle, but honest talk with her.

You can keep the focus on yourself (e.g. “I get frustrated when we make plans and then you break them. I realize life is unpredictable but it happens so often.”)

Say it as gently as possible. You don’t need to show anger or frustration; just loving honesty.

There’s a wonderful book called Boundaries written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I requested the audio version of the book from my library so I could listen to it in my car.

The book teaches you how to set a boundary and how to have a consequence in a loving Christian way. The hard part is following through on the consequence---you have to decide what you would be willing to do should your friend ignore the boundary you set with her.

Emotionally healthy people both care for each other and tell the truth to each other. Driven by our own insecurity we often resist the need to confront because we fear the following things: 

• Losing Relationship:  The fear that the person will withdraw either emotionally or physically from them. 
• Being the Object of Anger:  They do not want to receive someone’s rage or blame about being confronted. 
• Being Hurtful:  They are concerned about wounding the person and hurting their feelings. 
• Being Perceived as Bad:  They want to be seen as a nice person, and they fear that they will be seen as unloving and unkind. 

You are not responsible for how the other person reacts to your reasonable boundary. People tell you who they are by how they respect your boundaries. Cloud & Townsend assert that, “the extent to which two people can bring up and resolve issues is a crucial marker of the soundness of the relationship.”

Here’s an example: “Suzy, it seems like you cancel so often and I find myself getting frustrated. If it continues I won’t be able to make plans with you. I love you but I need to do this in order to care for myself.”


Lucille Zimmerman is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a private practice in Littleton, CO and an affiliate faculty professor at Colorado Christian University.

She is also the author of Renewed: Finding Your Inner Happy in an Overwhelmed World. Through practical ideas and relatable anecdotes, readers can better understand their strengths and their passions—and address some of the underlying struggles or hurts that make them want to keep busy or minister to others to the detriment of themselves. Renewed can help nurture those areas of women’s lives to use them better for work, family, and service. It gives readers permission to examine where they spend their energy and time, and learn to set limits and listen to “that inner voice."

Q & A Church 4 Chicks Panel Questions from the friend Me? Conference

Photo By Amelia Grace Photography

Q and A Church 4 Chicks Panel Questions from The friend Me? Conference 3/16

By

Lucille Zimmerman

Q. “I know that scars from past relationships damage my ability to trust deeply in order to make strong connections. I’ve prayed, but I’m still scared. How can I move past this”? 

A. Let me explain. There’s an important idea about humans called Attachment Theory. 

Attachments are strengthened or neglected when humans are infants. If babies grow up having their needs met, their fears soothed, and if they can come to rely on predictable caregivers, they will probably grow up to be securely attached adults. They will not only trust others, they will trust themselves as worthy of love and capable of getting their needs met.

Sadly, many babies don’t get that. For a quick example of what happened when moms and dads don’t attune, watch this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0

Children often grow up with various forms of abuse (physical, emotional, spiritual, and sexual) or neglect. Caretakers die, get depressed, and divorce. In an article written by Marnie Feree, she explains that when this happens a baby’s brain gets flooded with stress hormones and neurotransmitters that imprint a neuronal pathway, affecting a child’s ability to self-regulate. Traumatized individuals search for various ways to calm their brains. A common response to calming a traumatized brain is to medicate through sex, food, shopping, etc.
  

Think about what is needed for genuine intimacy:

• Transparency

• Vulnerability

• Authenticity

• Risk

• Trust

• Honesty

How are those who never learned to form secure attachments going to risk all those things? They’re not. They’re going to seek the counterfeit that gives them the feeling of being in relationship, but without any of the risk.

People can heal by learning to risk attachment with safe people. A recommended counselor or pastor might be a good place to start.

One of my professors used to say the counseling office is a microcosm of the larger world. If I work with a client and over time, get them to trust, take risks, and create a safe attachment with me, and eventually with others, they will heal. When I am trustworthy and genuine, showing love, safety, and acceptance, I have seen clients decide they want to replace fake relationships for the real thing.

As a child, who could you turn to for safety and comfort?

4 Lies Women Tell Themselves

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Four Lies Women Tell Themselves

ByLucille Zimmerman

Lie #1: It’s selfish to put yourself on the list.  Self-care is not selfish. Self-care is about taking control of your own health and happiness. By being in control you stay healthy and put yourself in charge of making sure you have a good quality of life. Taking good care of yourself means the people in your life receive the best of you rather than what is left of you. When Jesus told people to love their neighbor as themselves, he was presupposing that people would love themselves. If we don’t love ourselves, we are violating that commandment just the same as when we don’t love others. Alternately, if we only care for ourselves without caring for others, that would be selfish. But loving ourselves is good and godly.

Lie #2: It’s unchristian to set boundaries.  I used to think people who had clear boundaries were mean and nasty, and people who accommodated everybody else's whim were Godly. People with healthy boundaries have developed an identity separate and distinct from others. Their lives have a nice balance; they are connected with people, not enmeshed with them. Imagine a picket fence with a gate: You get to decide who you want to come into your life and how far they come in. For instance, you may want to crack open the gate by limiting someone to a ten-minute phone call instead of inviting her over to your house. There may be a family member you want to honor, but his or her behaviors may be so toxic you must limit the relationship to a birthday card. Boundaries are flexible, so they can change. The most important thing to understand is that you are the gatekeeper controlling your life and space.

Lie #3: You can’t show people your flaws; you must be perfect. When I studied group counseling, I learned a really interesting concept: If there is a group of people, and one person decides to take a risk in sharing a vulnerable piece of her story, she instantly becomes the most popular member of the group. Why? It’s a concept called “universality”: Every person in a group has traits or experiences or flaws or past mistakes that he or she wants to hide. When we see another take a bold risk and be accepted, we wish we had the guts to be that authentic. Of course, this concept could be taken to an extreme. It would not be prudent for a member to go into a group and reveal everything too quickly without getting to know the others. But a gentle unveiling of a vulnerable truth by one brave soul can offer the ripple effect of relief and acceptance to others.

Lie #4: You must stick every person’s opinion of you on yourself. In situations where someone reacts negatively towards me, I’ve learned to ask the question, “What is the person telling you about himself?” All of our actions and words are a reflection of our past experiences. They are evidence of the lens through which we see the world. When people blow up or overreact, it usually isn’t about what we did wrong or about how bad that person is hurting or about what dots they are connecting from their own histories. The more we back off and see a bigger picture, the more we stop allowing others to direct our lives.

Lucille Zimmerman’s book, Renewed: Finding Your Inner Happy in an Overwhelmed World releases TODAY< March 1^st.
Connect with Lucille on her website 
at
www.lucillezimmerman.com