Monday, July 29, 2013

I Wanted to Yell STOP! - A guest post by Cherie Zack

I Wanted To Yell STOP!

ByCherie Zack 

There are times that I have felt unloved by my husband and hurt by his words or careless gestures. Many times I have wanted to yell, "Stop!"

I wanted Bill to know how I really felt, but feared 'punishment' from him. I wish I knew when this seed was planted. What I do know is what kept my mouth closed was fear!

Fear that he would yell at me.....
Fear that he would hate me.....
Fear that he would leave me.......
Fear that he would no longer love me.......

Everyone goes through situations in their lives that create fear and weakness. Fear can be paralyzing and is so unhealthy spiritual and mentally.  Are you with me?

This fear drew me to unhealthy thoughts. Unhealthy needs. Unhealthy places. Things had gotten so out of control I finally realized one day that I needed help.

The fear I struggled with resulted in the same perpetual thought running through my mind. “I want a husband that saw me as the only girl in the world, who loved me unconditionally and recognized that I was a work in progress.” And yet this was not happening. Why?
Perfect love casts out fear.

I did a key-word search on the word perfect and 1 John 4:18 leaped at me. 

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."  

Punishment!! There is one of my key words. God was showing me that perfect love is only found in my relationship with Him.  Not Bill. And the revelation finally hit home.  What I was asking Bill to give me was perfect love. And then it hit me…

Bill can't give me perfect love because he is not perfect.”

As I meditated on this statement God whispered the following words to me, If you want change to begin in Bill, change needs to begin in you first! This thought was so in my face that an internal struggle with God began to take place.

"Why do I have to change first?" came right out of my mouth along with other thoughts as well.   God stopped me with this one question…

 "Do you love Bill enough to surrender your fear to me?"

Big, big, question for me.  So big in fact I almost said no! God was asking me to trust Him in a place where fear had resided for so long. In a strange way, I found refuge in the fear.  But Fear was now gripping my heart.

Could I let go?
Could I trust God in this area?
Could I trust Bill?

My heart began to beat so fast I could hear it with every question that gripped my mind. Lord, please help me. Can I let go of fear?

Are you dealing with Fear? Can you let Perfect Love have its way?  Surrender was so scary for me. But I have learned that God will catch me no matter what I face or the decisions I make.

It's been a few years since that day.  I have struggled along the way but I have also seen change happen in me and even in Bill.  

Sometime I can hear God say, "Good job, Cherie. Now you're getting it!"

Can you relate?

Father,  we thank you for our husbands, no matter how imperfect they are. Teach us to love without fear and let change begin with us first!  In Jesus Name we pray, Amen.
His strength for my weakness,

Cherie Zack is the founder and president of The Imperfect Wives and Imperfect Wives, Inc. She has been ministering to women for more than 10 years. She is a certified Biblical counselor in the areas of Marriage and Family and Women’s Ministry. As well as being the founder of The Imperfect Wives, in 2010 Cherie was appointed Director of the women’s ministry department of the South Carolina District Council of the Assemblies of God where she serves more than 100 pastors and women’s ministry leaders. Cherie and Bill have been married for 19 years and have 4 children. They reside in Beaufort, South Carolina. 


  1. Such practical wisdom and truth in this, Cherie. Thank you for all you do to promote the truth of God's Word and encourage wives to stand up for that truth and their marriage. So blessed to be part of The Imperfect Wives.

    1. Thank you, Deborah! We are the ones that are blessed to have you. <3

  2. You are telling my story in this very moment, I am at that place you were years ago & I have also said I don't trust Him enough to let go. I really do not know how to move beyond this, what does it look like lived out in every day life?

    1. Stacy, we have to put our trust in God first. Let me say this another way. Trust your husband by trust God. God will not let you down. He is perfect and knows what you need, when you need it. I had to throw fear aside and stand determine to trust God. I knew I could in other places but this was the toughest one for me. As you begin to trust God in this area, you are giving Him room to work in both you and your husband.

      I pray this helps. <3

  3. Thanks Cherie! This is just wonderful!
    I am so proud of you!

    1. Thank you for stopping by, Bridge. Make sure to follow this blog. Church 4 Chicks is amazing! I know you will find great strength through Shelley and her ministry!! <3

  4. AWESOME blog today Cherie! I see many things in your blog today to meditate on, and bring to God in prayer. I don't have a bad marriage, but I do know it could be better. Fear can stop us from being truly who God intends us to be, and I am so encouraged to find more scriptures to pray over my husband, and my marriage!! THANK YOU!!! God is so good!! GREAT ENCOURAGEMENT!!! Thank You!!!

    1. Thank you for commenting, Christi! I learned an acronym for fear a long time ago. False Evidence Appearing Real. When I face fear today, this is what I try to remind myself every time. I know based on God's Word that He is not creating the fear. Satan is. Reminding myself of this helps me put fear where it belongs! Not in my head!!

      Praying for you and your husband and that fear will no longer have a hold of you! <3

  5. Love Cherie and your team is here standing by your side! You rock..awesome post!♥-Leanne

    1. Thank you, Leanne! Make sure to follow this blog if you haven't already!! You are going to love them! <3

  6. I feel like you just read my mail. You have put words to what I have been dealing with for a while now. You have also shed light on what to do next. It's time to start being fearless and stop being fearful. Thank you for being open to share with us and for the encouragement and words of wisdom.

    1. Yohana, I am so excited you stopped by to read and share your thoughts. Praising God for you because you are now a woman to be reckoned with. The enemy only has power when we give it to him and sister, you have just taken it away!! Amen!! <3

  7. Slept in the guest room last: reason sore throat,cough.Today I went into our room to get something. .He wanted me to put my things away.."Not now I do not feel well". HIS reply..u are always sickkkkkkkk and u do not ever want to put things away...So yes...I want to yell stop..Went downstairs to get tea...told him I had a fever..he was much better..I am going to put those clothes up...even if I faint..Thanks

  8. Cheri,
    This also sounded like you were talking about me. I to was filled with fear. Fear that he would hate me if I didn't do this, fear that he would stop loving me if I didn't do that. Fear that gripped me so bad that I would literally start to shake. I was never doing anything right in his eyes, Everything I did was never enough. It took me 9 months to finally get a job and when it happend, It wasn't a good enough job. I was told I was lazy, and unmotivated and If I didn't get my sh** together I would be thrown out of the house. We went to marriage counseling with our pastor for 3 months and he finally finally when I told him I had gotten a cell phone which I needed for my job and he wouldn't provide one for me, that seemed to be the last straw and he used that incident to tell me to get my things and get out. I left and went to my mother's and am still here to this day. That was a couple of weeks ago, and he has hurt me so bad, that I have nothing but hate and contempt for him. I couldn't continue my job because it was now too far for me to travel and with the minimum amount of pay they wanted it wasn't going to pay me to work there, so I had to leave my job. Well God is still good regardless of my situations but he gave me another job and a better one even. But my heart is still terribly wounded because along with his verbal and emotional abuse, he managed to take one of my very best friends on his side with him because she only has met the one side of him that was charming, and doesn't believe that he could be so nasty on his other side. She believes that I screwed up our relationship and that I was selfish for leaving him even though he told me to leave. I am soooo hurt by her words more than Eric's because I have known and been a close friend of hers for 20 years. Her and I have been through so much together and now she seems to believe Dr.Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde over her best friend of 20 years. I'm absolutely crushed.

  9. Robin, continuing to pray for you and your sweet husband. Marriage can be tough to navigate, especially when we let ourselves get in the way by reacting through our emotions and hurt feelings. Not saying that you are but if you are, you still have time to change this.
    Love you, Robin!! <3

  10. glorrieb1, one of the things I love most about my relationship with the Holy Spirit is that He is always ready to guide me, even when I am wrong. Can I encourage you to take a deep breath, calm your heart, rest your mind, and listen for His voice. He wants to speak to you and is speaking to you about your husband, your marriage and your situation. You can navigate through this well but not without the Holy Spirit to guide you. You need His counsel and God's grace to get you through this. The dark place you are in right now can be so scary. When I was there, I had to answer a question for God.. Was I willing to work through the situation at hand or was I going to run away from it and shut down? I chose to walk with God through it. Some days were harder than others. Some days I wish I could block out of my memory. But the end result was worth the trials I had to walk through. I learned so much about my self that I didn't know. I also learned where my heart truly was and I needed correction. Non of us are perfect. Only Jesus is. Remind your self of this as you go. God's word says that His power is made perfect in our weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9).

    He will perfect you as you choose each day to walk with Him. His love for you is so deep that anything your husband or anyone else says about you doesn't remove or disqualify you from God!! He sings over your with joyful songs -even when you least feel lovable or you have failed. The thing I want you to understand is God's love doesn't come with strings. His love is unconditional. You can't do a thing to earn it and you can't do anything to loose it.

    My assistant and I going to pray for you now and through out the rest of this week. Dig your cute feet into God's foundation (His Word) and determine to stand strong with everything that is about to happen. God has you!! Trust Him and let Him guide you through this!

    Love, Cherie


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